Odva
by Lalaith Quetzalli
Summary: -Sequel to Kir-Alep.- Sch'n T'gai Spock, son of Sarek and Amanda, never believed in much of anything. Not in gods or spirits, or in paradise. Truth be told he only believed in one thing, one person: James Tiberius Kirk. Then again, that was probably enough; after all, his Jim always had a knack for making him do anything, even believe. (Spirk and Spirk Prime Forever)


And here we are! The final piece in the M'aih series. Now, like I explained in Kir-Alep, strictly speaking reading or not this series will not change a thing to the rest of the series. Why? Because the focus of this last piece isn't Spock, but Spock Prime.

When I first decided to turn M'aih into a series I never planned this. I had many ideas, but they all ended with Kir-Alep. And then I was writing Kir-Alep, and Spock Prime died... and I couldn't help but regret that I never got the chance to make things right for him. (I love those fics where The Jim and Spock, and sometimes the rest of the crew from the KTL will find Jim Kirk Prime and bring the two together; it just didn't fit with what I was doing here). And then I asked myself: who says death is the end?

Most of the quotes come from the Star Trek Original series (I'll be dead honest and admit that aside from perhaps an episode or two many years ago and clips in a hell of a lot of youtube videos, I've never watched the series), I found them in websites and chose the ones that better helped with what I wanted to do here. The only exceptions are: one quote by Spock from the first story in the series, and one from a scene that was planned but never recorded, from the 2009 Star Trek (I'm sure if you're Spirk fans you know exactly what scene I'm talking about).

More notes at the end.

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Odva

 _By: Lalaith Quetzalli_

 _Sch'n T'gai Spock, son of Sarek and Amanda, never believed in much of anything. Not in gods or spirits, or in paradise. Truth be told he only believed in one thing, one person: James Tiberius Kirk. Then again, that was probably enough; after all, his Jim always had a knack for making him do anything, even believe._

He was alone… truth be told, he had been alone for a very long time. Even when surrounded by dozens, hundreds of other living beings, humans, vulcans, romulans, klingons… the number did not matter, nor did the species, he still felt alone. It was not like he did not understand his own condition, he knew exactly when it had begun, when the most important person to him, his own heart and soul, became lost to him.

When he first met him, one James Tiberius Kirk, Spock did not think much of him, one way or another, he was just another human member of Starfleet. Though one that in a remarkably short amount time became so important to him so… essential. It wasn't just a matter of physical attractiveness, though Jim was certainly pleasing to the eye, Spock would never deny that, but no, it went beyond that. It was… Jim was one of the first people to ever accept Spock, exactly as who and what he was; neither fully Vulcan nor entirely human but a mixture of both. His comments were never insulting or demeaning, like he'd been subjected to in the past, particularly from his generation-mates, back in Vulcan, but they were simply jokes, gentle teasing; and whenever Jim saw Spock truly had trouble grasping something, the man had no trouble explaining and never saw it as a failing on the hybrid's part. There were times when he thought the blonde understood him and accepted him more than even his own parents (much as Spock might not like admitting it, he knew that a part of each of his parents always wanted him to be like each of them were, and he could never fully please them; it did not make them love him any less, but still)!

" _We humans are full of unpredictable emotions that logic cannot solve."_

Spock can almost still hear him inside his head, Jim did love his own intuition, the way he made what to most would seem like huge, insane leaps of logic (the kind of logic sometimes only he himself could understand… and perhaps at times not even he did), crazy plans that, at times, no one was quite sure how exactly he made them work. Spock admired him, but beyond that, he saw the value in the man Jim was, not just the captain.

They understood each other in a way no one else ever did. No one else ever could. Even then, it took them a ridiculous amount of time to understand that there was more between them than just friendship. Then again, it probably depended on what one saw as a friend, and the Vulcan language and culture, as much as it seemed to prefer words that were so very specific (more than any other language in the Federation), there were still some words that could be… malleable. Such was the case of one particular word for friend; a word that could mean not just 'friend', but also blood-brother/sister, lover, lifelong-companion and most important of all… soulmate. The word was T'hy'la.

Spock did not know when exactly it was that he began using that word to describe his Captain. Much as the Vulcan side of him might rebel at that, at the lack of precision, truth was that to Spock it felt like Jim had always been exactly that, it just took him a while to find the right word to express himself. So in the end it probably did not matter when he began using the word, but when he began feeling it… and sometimes it seemed like he had felt that way since forever, from the very first moment he laid eyes on that man…

" _And you'll learn something about men and women… the way they're supposed to be. Caring for each other, being happy with each other, being good to each other. That's what we call... love. You'll like that, too, a lot."_

Those words hadn't been said to him, not directly, though he heard them later on. And if that was what love was supposed to be, then love was what he'd felt for Jim for longer than he'd known what to call it. He so deeply regretted all the time lost, even when regret is meant to be illogical… then again, love is an emotion, one he as Vulcan should not have (which is bullshit, as some of his human friends would say, it is impossible not to feel; and vulcans do feel most keenly, even if they are almost always well trained not to express those emotions).

" _You see, I feel sorrier for you than I do for him. Because you'll never know the things that love can drive a man to. The ecstasies, the miseries. The broken rules. The desperate chances. The glorious failures, and the glorious victories. All of these things you'll never know, simply because the word 'love' isn't written into your book."_

Dr. McCoy said that to him once, believing Spock unable to understand love. Then again, there was a time when Spock believed that very thing himself. Or perhaps it was more that he did not know enough, not about love or about himself to understand it. Though he certainly came to. He saw it all, good, bad, and everything in between. He saw it in his crew, in his family, his friends, but more importantly, he saw it in his Jim…

" _Because the needs of the one outweigh the needs of the many."_

Jim told him that, after their reunion, after Spock managed to find himself again… somewhat. The Vulcan did not fully understand it. It went against everything he'd ever believed. And yet it was Jim… his Jim.

His Jim, whom he ultimately lost. Spock would never forgive himself for that, for losing Jim, for letting him go. All he had left of him was the last message his t'hy'la left him, in that holo-emitter. He listened to it so many times that even were he not to possess a perfect memory he was sure he would be able to recall it word by word…

" _Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you…" He grinned. "I know I know, it's illogical to celebrate something you had nothing to do with, but I haven't had the chance to congratulate you on your appointment to the ambassadorship so I thought I'd seize the occasion… Bravo, Spock! They tell me your first mission may take you away for awhile, so I'll be the first to wish you luck… and to say…" There was a pause, and something that in any other man would be called a sigh. "I miss you, old friend. I suppose I'd always imagined us… outgrowing Starfleet together. Watching life swing us into our Emeritus years… I look around at the new cadets now and can't help thinking… has it really been so long? Wasn't it only yesterday we stepped onto the Enterprise as boys? That I had to prove to the crew I deserved command… and their respect? I know what you'd say: 'It's their turn now, Jim…' And of course you're right… but it got me thinking: Who's to say we can't go one more round? By the last tally, only twenty five percent of the galaxy's been chartered… I'd call that negligent. Criminal even," Another pause, followed by a smirk. "an invitation. You once said being a starship captain was my first, best destiny… if that's true, then yours is to be by my side. If there's any true logic to the universe… we'll end up on that bridge again someday. Admit it, Spock. For people like us, the journey itself… is home."_

Spock knew now that day would never come, he and Jim would never find each other again on the bridge of the Enterprise, never again get to travel across the stars together. Because his Jim was gone, forever. Oh, he knows that's not what most humans would choose to believe. Truth is, he's always thought humans have an amazing capacity for believing what they choose to and excluding that which is painful. The plainest example: the idea of the existence of a god, and of a paradise where the dead go after their lives are over. Spock had never believe in such things. The katra was one thing, the katra was almost tangible, not physically, but they knew it was there, the preservation of the vulcan mind, either through other individuals, like the Elders, or through the katric arcs. The human soul was a much more… subjective matter, no one in all the millennia humanity had existed, had managed to prove it existed, and if it did, what became of it once the human body perished. Did it vanish, like smoke? Did it ascend into the stars and become one more of them like some pagan cultures used to believe? (Completely illogical, as stars are actual, physical things, rather than intangible essences of something that might or might not exist). So, in the end, he did not believe. Then again, he did not believe that it should be possible for him to endure, having died himself, yet there he was. He'd no idea where, or how exactly, but he still existed, for some value of existence.

" _Do you know why you're not afraid to die, Spock? You're more afraid of living. Each day you stay alive is just one more day you might slip and let your human half peek out. That's it, isn't it? Insecurity. Why, you wouldn't know what to do with a genuine, warm, decent feeling."_

Dr. McCoy had said that to him once, and while he was no entirely in error, he had not been fully correct either. With the passing of the years Spock had come to accept the fact that he was half human and there was nothing wrong with that fact (regardless of what some of his peers might have told him during his childhood); he had come to accept that mostly thanks to Jim. And yet, it was true he had never been afraid of dying, more of living, and of doing so alone. The worst part? It had come to pass exactly as he always feared (as human an emotion as that might be). Jim was taken from him, first by the Nexus (and no matter how hard he tried, how many years and effort Spock spent trying to find it, trying to get his t'hy'la back, nothing worked) and later on to death (how cruel life could be, for Jim to find his way out of that place, only for death to reach him before Spock could?).

And it was not limited to Jim. One by one, Spock lost everyone who had once meant the most to him: his parents, his friends, his crew… he lost them all, one by one. Until life felt to him like a curse he was forced to endure, an existence where he had nothing and no one. It was why he kept taking missions that some found inadvisable at best, and suicidal at worst… ending with the mission to save Romulus from the sun going nova…

He knew that, were any of his friends to have been there when he made the choice to take the red matter and go to Romulus, they'd have called him crazy; and not just that, they'd have forbidden him from doing such a foolhardy thing; physically restrained him if they thought words would not be enough (except Jim, he would have probably trashed Spock's plan, made a more insane one and somehow found a way to make it work). Then again, he was going precisely because he had no one anymore, he had nothing left to lose…

So he'd gone to Romulus… That was, perhaps, his greatest failure. Not a day has passed when he has not wondered what Jim might have done differently. Convinced as Spock always was that his Jim would have found some way to succeed against all odds. And it was that not only he failed to keep the sun from exploding, from saving Romulus and most of its inhabitants, but by his own actions he gave Nero and the crew of the Narada the opportunity to travel back in time, where so many more died: first on-board the Kelvin (including George Kirk, his t'hy'la's own father! And Jim himself was almost never born!), and then… Vulcan (billions dead! Almost their entire race lost, and the same would have happened to Earth hadn't it been for a few brave individuals, including his young counterpart, and Jim's own).

He would never be able to forget the moment he'd seen them, the two standing side by side, so close… it had almost seemed like a mirage. The kind of miracle he could have never imagined possible. He'd gone there to make sure young Spock would not be lured away from Starfleet despite the recent loses, not wanting his mistakes to be the cause of those two never finding their way to each other… and yet somehow they'd already done exactly that. They not just found each other, they bonded, they were t'hy'la, knew it and embraced it with a fervor that he found as dazzling as it was tragic (Could they have had that? Him and his Jim, if he'd been a little less fixated on feeling nothing and more open to his human side, and the blonde less worrying over what others might think and more willing to take a chance on them?)

" _I know where I belong."_

That was what his young counterpart said, words the Elder wished he'd had the opportunity to say himself. By the time he could have said them it was already too late. So very late… It was the worst kind of tragedy, almost enough to make him wish that he could go back in time, in his own time and not an alternate dimension, to make his younger self (his own and not some counterpart) see all he could have if he just dare have a little faith… Faith, as if he ever had such a thing!

" _Captain, you almost make me believe in luck."_

" _Why, Mr. Spock, you almost make me believe in miracles."_

Truth was that Spock didn't believe in much of anything, he never had. When young, he was raised to believe in logic above everything… until he became part of the Enterprise, met and befriended strong and amazing people like Nyota Uhura, Hikaru Sulu, Pavel Chekov, Leonard McCoy… and of course James T. Kirk. And then he learned that logic wasn't everything, it couldn't be. And so he believed in them instead. He believed in his friend. He believed in Jim above anything and everything else…

"Hey old man!"

Spock was so lost in his own ruminations that for a few seconds he actually thought that the voice was coming from his memories, like all the others before it. That he was hallucinating the voice of his t'hy'la's young counterpart (even at forty years old he would always see the blonde as young, almost painfully so). And it wasn't even just his youth, the younger Kirk, he was not his Jim… he was simply not any Jim, he was James.

It was something that Spock had not understood for the longest time, the true difference and the significance even in something as simple as the choice in name. He had known, of course, that the absence of his father would have made the blonde a different man, but never could have imagined just how much, or that apparently the absence of George Kirk was just one of the many things that shaped him, and nowhere near the most important.

T'Lura Ravanok… Spock had never known a vulcan lady by that name in his original universe. He had no idea if it was because she had died, if their paths had never crossed, or if perhaps she never existed at all. Spock knew nothing about her, yet she was perhaps the most important person in James Kirk's life, the one who shaped him into the man he became, a man who was not his Jim at all, yet was still as remarkable and incredible and always would be.

Then again, if one were to focus on people not existing, T'Uralaun, daughter of Sarek, was probably the most amazing example of it. In his world, his own mother had never had a second child. She had given up on it after too many miscarriages, when the doctors had said she would be putting her life in danger were she to keep trying. She had pretty much done the same in the new universe… until Spock intervened. It was ironic, because he kept saying he could not share information, could not risk influencing things, and yet when it came to Amanda… she might not have been his mother, technically, but she was enough like the Amanda he remembered, Spock wanted to give her the chance his own mother never had.

T'Uralaun was a miracle in every sense of the word, and even if she wasn't really Elder Spock's sister, he still loved her dearly, as much as he loved his young counterpart, and the rest of his family. The family that came closer to understanding him (or a version of him) more than his own ever did… that was why he just could not let them die. Beyond his own lack of a will to live (he was not exactly suicidal, to end his own life would have been illogical, especially after all the losses that had already befallen them, but that did not mean he was truly… satisfied with his life, not by a long short). As far as he was concerned, ensuring that the right people, good people, got to keep living was a good reason to die.

"Old Man!" James's voice pulled at him again. "Stop ignoring me damn it!"

The touch of a hand on the back of his own told Spock once and for all that he was definitely not remembering (which would have actually been hard, another difference between the two was that Jim was never as given to swearing as James was) or hallucinating.

"James!" He raised his head, looking straight at the blonde in a mix of horror and fascination. "Are you dead?!"

"What?!" The blonde actually looked down at himself, as if making sure there was nothing wrong with him, then shook his head and focused again on the Elder Vulcan. "No, of course not. Got close though, which is why I'm here. At least for a little while. Should be waking up soon. Still, M'aih asked me to come talk some sense into you before I left."

Spock blinked once, twice, thrice, he had no idea what was going on anymore. Then again, that seemed to happen quite often when James T. Kirk (any incarnation) was involved. Really, the idea that he had managed to make Khan, the worst enemy they (Spock and his version of the crew) ever knew into not just an ally, but a friend!

"M'aih…? You mean you saw T'Lura?" Spock did not understand.

"Yeah, she's somewhere around here… or she was." James shrugged. "She and Vav (father) were here. Said they had been waiting… for a value of waiting. She said this is a sort-of limbo, where we all end up until we're ready to move on… or like in my case, when we aren't really dead. Time doesn't pass here the same way it does for those of the living. Which is why I could see both of them, even though M'aih died about twenty five years ago, and Vav about fifteen years before that. I talked with them for a bit, though they say I'm not going to remember anything once I wake up so…" He shrugged. "Still, they told me they were proud of me, and happy for me, before crossing over. Though M'aih did ask me to find you and talk to you before I left. More precisely, to talk some sense into you."

"What do you mean talk sense into me?" Spock finally asked.

"Exactly that." James retorted. "Want to explain to me why exactly you keep ignoring everyone? I mean, it's rude! Even I wouldn't do that! Unless it was someone like Marcus or Komack..." He actually shuddered. "But my crew? My family? I'd never ignore them! And on that front, I have to say I'm very proud to learn I'll be aging this well!" he turned his attention from Spock, and to a point behind him. "And Nyota… yes, you're the most beautiful woman I've ever known no matter what age you are! Of course, the most brilliant as well, a woman without compare in every universe you might exist!" James was actually laughing, even as he turned his attention back to Spock. "So, what's your excuse Old Man?"

"James, we're alone."

"No we're not. They're here, all of them. Your crew. They've been calling at you probably from the moment you appeared and you keep ignoring them. Then again, you ignored me for quite a while as well, until I practically got in your face… My counterpart seems to be debating between being concerned and pissed." he turned slightly, addressing someone at Spock's right. "I'd go with pissed. If my sa'telsu ever ignored me I'd be mightily pissed at him. Then again, my Spock would never so much as think about ignoring me…" He turned back to the Elder. "Which is why I don't understand you doing it."

"They're not here James." Spock's voice changed, as if he were suddenly very afraid, though it was hard to tell if he was more afraid of James being right or wrong.

"Yes, they are." James stated with the same conviction as ever. "I don't know what the hell is wrong with you old man! I mean, you're dead. You're all dead now. Together. And yet you refuse to see them, why?!"

"Because they're not real!"

James blinked several times; trying and failing to comprehend.

"God, the human soul, the afterlife, paradise… those are things I do not believe in James."

For a moment James was actually going to point out how believing or not didn't change a thing in the end, things still were what they were. But deep down he knew that wouldn't change anything, so he tried a different approach:

"What do you believe in then?"

"Jim… my Jim."

"The other James Kirk, my counterpart? He's your t'hy'la, right?"

"Of course, just like my counterpart is yours. Our bond is a…"

"A universal constant, I know. What does it mean? T'hy'la?"

"You know what it means…"

"Of course I do, but humor me."

"Friend, brother, lover, lifelong companion… soulmate…"

"That, right there. Soulmate! For there to be a soulmate there has to be a soul. It's all in the name, really… And a soul is beyond time and space, beyond life and death, yadda, yadda… I mean, I'm not exactly religious myself, but some things cannot be denied. And in this case, it doesn't matter if you ended in the past, in another universe, all that is irrelevant. A soul surpasses all that. That is the truth, simple and unbreakable; as clear as the fact that the two of us are standing right here, right now." He actually made a pause then, as if waiting for Spock to catch up, before driving the point home. "You said that our bond is a universal constant. That is true. My Spock and I are soulmates, as are you and your Jim; which means your souls are bound together… that kind of bond cannot be broken, not by anything."

"How can you be so sure?"

"Aside from the fact that I'm looking at you and him? Or that even as I stand here trying to make you see the truth I can still feel my Spock, laying beside me, whispering how much he cherishes me and that he hopes I wake up soon? I have faith. That's all."

"Faith…" It was such a strange concept to Spock.

"Yes, Faith." James confirmed with a smile. "Just try it old man. Have faith, and see…"

It was absolutely insane, and went against everything Spock believed in (or not), yet… it was James asking him to do it. And even if the blue-eyed version before him wasn't his Jim, he was still a version of that same man. So the Old Spock breathed in deeply, closed his eyes… and took a leap of faith.

James was practically cackling as Spock opened his eyes again, those same eyes widening as he took in everything he'd been missing until then. Also about then, the older Jim Kirk decided that enough was enough and pulled the Old Vulcan towards him and into a kiss that would have sent tongues wagging in either universe.

"Thank you Captain..." The other version of Nyota Uhura smiled at him, waving her goodbye.

They were already becoming translucent and James knew their time was up. It was time for Old Spock and his crew to cross-over. He knew he wouldn't remember anything when he woke up, but it was okay, he'd managed to help and that was what mattered. He waved at them with a huge smile as a realization came upon him. He and Spock would be together forever! Just like Old Spock and his Jim! That was awesome!

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So... what do you think? Technically after this James wakes up with Spock and his family, Kariva and her crew and they go to stop war from breaking out between the Federation and the Klingon Empire. What happens here is what prompts James's whole speech about dreams one cannot remember and having the conviction of something regardless. I considered adding the scene to Kir-Alep, but in the end decided it would break the pace I had going there, and chose instead to let Spock Prime had his moment (his story).

The title of the story is, once again, a Vulcan word. Odva means 'faith', it felt very appropriate all things considered.

Hope you enjoyed the fic! See you around!

P.S. I'll be coming back, eventually, with my AUs. Which one comes first will depend on my muse, who can be influenced by your hints on which you would like to read first: Yo'D, where James stays with Kariva and co. and is there when a certain-someone escapes from a Klingon prison vent on revenge; or Ravanok, where it's James Ravanok, not Jim Kirk, who joins Starfleet.


End file.
